so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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