3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I have aggressive nipples.
Randomize
