dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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