The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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