Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
