I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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