In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Randomize
