I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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