Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
