People in love make me want to vomit
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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