After last night, I could never be a politician.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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