He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
