If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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