I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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