everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
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I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
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My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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