he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
