my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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