Soap is not a condiment
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
