I can text with my tongue
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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