Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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