Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
