I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
