Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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