just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
