I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
