I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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