You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
