You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
