i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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