oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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