I think I died a long time ago.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
