I think im going to throw up on grandma
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
