Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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