I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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