life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
