Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
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I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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