on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
