Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
