Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
