i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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