I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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