Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
