i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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