we have pet lesbian snakes
I wish I only lived at night.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
