i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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