I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize