Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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