my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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