Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
