So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
