I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
