In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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