I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
