Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
