I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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