She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
