The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
