Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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