just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
