***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
